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Dear Chaps and Chapettes

Due to a number of revelations and twists in the fabric of this life I have decided its best to drop this blog.

Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey.

See you on the waves…..


The dark dog can bite away………

So Christmas is almost upon us, and what better thing to blog about than a cheery subject like depression!

I mean after all the season of goodwill and financial strain is surely enough to push anyone to the brink, let alone the weather, the god awful Christmas parties and the self loathing as we shovel the fourth mince pie in our mouths trying to eat our selves slim.

How many of us, I wonder, will find ourselves feeling that little bit more stressed as money never quite covers a normal month let alone one where we have to spend, spend, spend. How many of us will wish we werent single, or that we werent married! And how many of us wish we could get away from it all, or throw that perfect seasonal do.

How many of us will wish to kill ourselves?

Depression is described as “a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities” well to be perfectly frank with this description I’d hazard a guess we have all been depressed at one stage or another.

So whats the difference between feeling a bit low or blue and being depressed? Even if it is utterly diagnosable ( which some forms of depression are hard to do) is it not just a human state we all experience? What would you class as depression, being depressed or just being a little blue?

I really cant say  what it means to be or have depression. Sure Ive had times in my life when I would love to have driven my car into a wall and to end it all, but on a day in day out basis I know that those feelings arent a patch on the good stuff that can happen in a life time. I wouldnt ever class myself as depressed or having ever have suffered from depression but if you google the term, even a down day could be seen as a form of depression.

I guess its really down to the individual and how they feel about it, or their emotions.

I know people who have depression some of whom face up to it and fight it, others who ignore it. I guess each person has a different way of dealing with it.

So whilst the majority of us are doing our best to grin and bear this season of stress and goodwill, some of us will be struggling to even breathe with the weight of feeling helpless. If thats you the NHS have a nifty little advice section for depression on their website (here) please read it, please reach out and talk about it.

Try and enjoy the season people and lets hope next year is a good one.


Natter Natter = Jaw Ache

So, hands up all of you out there at the grand old age of 26 who have managed to never broken a bone, or had to have an operation?! I bet theres a fair few of you…

And I used to be one of you – that was dear comrades until I had all four wisdom teeth sliced out of my delicate little mouth on September 4th.

Ok so maybe Im over playing it a little bit, but dudes it did involve being drugged up, wearing a sexy ass gown ( literally), having a surgeon fumble around my orifice and there may or may not have been some crying on an anesthesiologist…

I kinda knew for a while that the dentist wanted these teeth out even though they werent causing me any pain ( I personally think he’s sick of dealing with teeth and wants everyone to be gummytastic – but there we go) so when the day came for them to come out I was kinda cool with the whole deal, I thought I’d even be back to work a few days later.

Needless to say I wasnt, I was however looking like a cross between a butternut squash and a gofer, which if you ask me is ALWAYS a good look! Thank god for pain killers and yogurt is another thing I have to say on the matter.

A week on and nearly all the bruises, swelling and other oh so darling side effects have disappeared and im back on form as a food munching chatterboxing machine!

Oh and here’s a little piccy of my vitals on the pressure taking machine thang – apparently there quite ok for a fat bird who likes cake! WINNER!

Blog, Gig and Music Review

Its not Pity its Pop

Eminem’s Love the Way you Lie feat. Rhianna.

So this song and the video has alot to answer for. Its made me think about relationships I’ve seen that have been so tempestuous people where pulled apart by them and a relationship Ive had.

Now some of you may or may not know this about me but I’m quite a strong person, and have always thought of myself as being one. As a child seeing the arguments my parents had I learnt quickly how to read and understand peoples aggression. I also firmly believed in feminism and that women who were in abusive relationships were weak and pitiful creatures. And that I would never allow a man to talk to me badly let alone feel he had the right to own me or lay a finger on me unless I allowed him.

That was right up until I found myself in one.

I’m clever, I’m strong, I’m also a big girl who’s not afraid of many things. So why did I get involved with a man who manipulated me and ultimately hurt me. Am I a victim? or did I deserve it? No to both, I am sure as hell I got a few good slaps in and that I probably gave as good as I got verbally, and as for manipulated maybe – but then we all do it at some point don’t we.

It just so  easily done, you meet someone, they’re different, charming, not your normal chap/chapette, there is some gravitas about them and you cant help but be attracted to that uber confidence and arrogance as its like a mirror counter point to the way you act.

After the relation ship ended, I realised that really it wasnt as romantic as I thought, and that really I was a fool for getting into a relationship like that, allowing myself to be involved in that way. But I did and watching this video I remember it. I miss it. Im scared of it. I also know Ive grown from it.

So I guess what Im trying to get to is – these relationships arent good, they dont work, and someone always gets hurt. They’re destructive, and never is one party a victim – both are in it and both are playing the game. I know guys who have had abusive female partners, and the same in same sex relationships too.

So this is a great song and video – it  shows how being involved with someone can be so intense, and that ultimately  being like that in a relationship isnt the way it should be, but it is for a lot of people out there and instead of ( in many case loathing the “weaker” one) dismissing it maybe we should look at it and wonder why people do it to themselves and how to stop them.

This video highlights stuff that happens behind closed doors ( normally), and how addictive it can be. It also kind of points out that domestic violence is a highly functioning aspect of our society, case and point would be the singer Rhianna collaborating on this track, herself a highly savvy, strong, clever business woman who didnt prosecute  a guy who beat her.

Domestic violence is shown continuously through modern mediums – in fact two of my favourite songs deal with it -  Rape Me by Nirvana isnt particularly about romance and roses and neither is Never Again by Nickelback ( and no these songs arent my favourites due to the past relationship – I just love the rawness and emotion they have) I think that everyone somewhere either knows someone, has seen it, or is aware of domestic violence, and yet Im not entirely convinced that as a society we have discovered away of stopping or helping people who are involved in it.

I also think that domestic violence can easily be blurred. Relationships kiltered with sado masochism for example, when does the line get drawn? when do the two consenting adults know where to stop? When does the beating and manipulation of the “game” stop? Isnt it really just the same thing? I find it hard to honestly believe that in any situation where one person asserts control and dominance over another often inflicting bruises and wounds on the other is ever utterly consensual.
I think, if anything, allowing or feeling the need for someone to abuse you in this manner either reeks of some underlying issues that havent been resolved or of a sexual enjoyment that I am just unable to comprehend. Either way I’d be interested to see where the distinction lies, if indeed it does at all.

So ok maybe I should just enjoy the song and video for what it is and stop thinking about the other things that drift around my head after watching it. I love the fact this video and song is not only a great thing to listen too but also has caused a firework reaction – some people berating others proclaiming how great it it.

But if I were to just stop thinking about these things and take it as only a song, then surely I should don a pair of blinkers and stop seeing things that maybe upsetting but are real, and if i did that then the good stuff wouldnt seem so sweet with out the knowledge of these bad things.

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